hope & negativity

I have a few things to say. But first, I would like to introduce my cousin, Bay:

Bay is my hero. He is one of 5 siblings in a family that continues to amaze me. In fact, all 7 of them are my heroes, but I want to show you Bay for one reason: his perseverance in hope. 


This morning, Austin and I came to some conflict, of which we took an hour to work through. It all started as Austin read from some notes he had been taking, and I quickly fell apart. I automatically assumed the points were negative, and felt my (usual and intense) need to control, both him and the situation. While the need to control has been an issue I have been working through with God, praying desperately for Him to break and change me, this situation was rooted in something else. That's what the hour took to find out.


After going back and forth with the usual symptoms and root sins we both own up to, I was left overwhelmed and heavy. Austin graciously loved me through it all. At once, I broke down crying. I kept thinking, and saying, "I can't be overcome with negativity anymore." It's just too much to fight. This past semester has had its fair share of disappointments, frustrations, victories, pains, celebrations- but hope hasn't been so easy. 


I love the big picture, looking up and over, to see what could be. Hope must be the cornerstone of the big picture, otherwise what are we living for? 


My positivity and hope has been met with roadblock and wall, passivity and downright negativity. I am just so tired of it. I think that was the heart of breakdown this morning, the potential for negativity again. Although I wish I were not so led by emotion, I must admit negativity has a certain power over me. It is the enemy of hope, of remembering, of celebrating. As I cried out that negativity is killing me, and I need to live, Austin (gently, of course) grabs my hand and says,


"we will hope. we will remember God's goodness and what He is doing. After everything, we will hope!"


That's when I thought of Bay. He has been through so much this year, he and his family. After concussions, broken wrists and arms, and most of all a removed brain tumor, Bay has the most incredible demeanor. He rides it out like a slow wave. Everyone is drawn to his perseverance, and mostly to his refusal of negativity. I see hope. Thanks Bay, for teaching me (and all of us) so much.  


We smile because we can, we have hope, and hope does not disappoint. He will not disappoint. 


KM

the house hunt begins...

For those of you who know Austin and I well, that title makes us nervous! We have done a lot of gabbing in the past about houses being so far off in our future, wanting to buy a house in cash, etc. Well, we do a lot of gabbing. We are considering taking the plunge. 


 Looking for a house (to buy...you read correctly) raises so many questions in our minds: are we too young? are we really willing to commit to this city? Is this the wisest for our family and our pocketbooks? Above all these questions, though, one stands out louder than the rest: do we really trust God in all this?


I (Kayla) have recently been wrestling through this nasty beast of a habit called control. I've needed control over things in my life for so many reasons, manifesting in most aspects of life. Though God has grown me greatly, I am more and more aware of it ever day. As Jesus and I continue to wrestle through this, it is no surprise to me what trusting God with finances, a potential neighborhood, risks, committing to a city, and learning to heed my husband's direction has surfaced control issues beyond what I even knew were there. It's humbling. 


So, the question I'm now asking: am I stewarding my trust, or just my finances? Am I trusting God with all of me, surrendering (not only) our desires to settle roots but my fear of failure?


We would love to invite you into this process with us by asking you to pray. Pray for God's wisdom, vision for owning a home (serving neighbors, living missionaly, stewardship), and the finances to do so. We were recently introduced to those 3 simple prayer-points by wise men at our church. Please join with us.


-the macs

this weekend, visually

Coming to Knoxville has been restful and enjoyable, but funny enough, we still have responsibilities, and decisions to make. Decisions best made at Panera.

A, mom, and dad crafted this puzzle in a few short days.

Micalea Grace and K, glad to be around sisters.

the design.

the creation (first timer at spray-paint, ok?)

Are we related?

Big kid and grandson.

A, K, & Ben...the most hilarious child yet.

blogging vs i love to design blogs

I am almost positive I have spent more time designing and re-designing our blog than I have actually writing for it. What fun it is to have change at your fingertips. Perhaps due to our daily "work" being slow, processional change, I love the ability to design and create in just a few [hundred] clicks.


We are home in Knoxville this week, spending Christmas with my (kayla's) side of the family. Mom and Dad pull up the driveway, returning from the hospital and leaving Bay and Janette there for the night awaiting Bay's surgery in the morning. He broke 2 places in his wrist, to top off the year of brain and eye surgeries (what a kid/trooper).


We love being around family, it feels close. No space, in more ways than one. I, in particular, have loved this trip for many reasons. I am refreshed by being known and loved, embraced by the fields and hills of the Valley, renewed in my mind (and in process) by the Holy Spirit, reminded of advent and the coming of our King, excited by books...and lots of them...that I am currently reading, rejuvenated by art, mainly drawing and dabbling a tad in graffiti (you can ask about that one), and so much more.


I have had space, and no space. Space to hear, see, breathe, create, and be re-created. And no space, feeling the depth of closeness. Let it be!




KM

project dia: dec 24 & some recommendations

'spice'

Some musical album suggestions:

-     Gregory Alan Isakov's This Empty Northern Hemisphere

-     She & Him's A Very She & Him Christmas

-     JJ Heller's Deeper

-     Audrey Assad's The House You're Building

-     Iron & Wine's Our Endless Numbered Days

-        Prince Royce's Prince Royce

-      Sara Groves' O Holy Night

A few sundays ago, Austin declared before the body of Christ at Park that he has been washed clean by the blood of Jesus, and was baptized. Identifying with Christ in his death & resurrection, Austin could not have been more thankful, nor elated. Brian, one of Park's pastors and becoming a friend, baptized Austin. We were privileged to celebrate with some friends from back home in Knoxville, the Beebes! 

Reid, Robin, and their 5 boys were in Colorado for training as they prepare to move to Africa. Please join with us in praying for them as they raise support, prepare their family for a huge move, and for the people they will minister to with the Gospel. 

glad

Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield.

For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name.

Let your steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us, even as we hope in you.

-Psalm 33:20-22

project dia: nov 28

nov 28: (photo taken by my friend Cait)
"secret"

_______________________________

"The gospel of the grace of God awakens an intense longing in human souls and an equally intense resentment, because the truth that it reveals is not palatable or easy to swallow. There is a certain pride in people that causes them to give and give, but to come and accept a gift is another thing. I will give my life to martyrdom; I will dedicate my life to service-I will do anything. But do not humiliate me to the level of the most hell-deserving sinner and tell me that all I have to do is accept the gift of salvation through Jesus Christ...We have to realize that we cannot earn or win anything from God through our own efforts..."  -Oswald Chambers 

 --------------------------------------------------------

My prayer today for you and me is that we have eyes to see, both our own destitution and hope in Christ. I pray that we would "never begin work till (we) have had a good season with God. The vigor of our spiritual life will be in exact proportion to the place held by the Word in our life and thoughts." -George Mueller 

project dia: nov 27

A few things that have stopped me lately:

O Thou Who art my quietness, my deep repose,

My rest from strife of tongues, my holy hill,

Fair is Thy Pavilion, where I hold me still.

Back let them fall from me, my clamorous foes,

Confusions multiplied;

From crowding things of sense I flee, and in Thee hide.

Until this tyranny be overpast,

Thy hand will hold me fast;

what though the tumult of the storm increase,

Grant to Thy servant strength, O Lord, and bless with peace.

        - My Quietness, Amy Charmichael

_______________________________________

" When I look at your heavens,

 the work of your fingers,

the moon and the stars, which you have set in place,

What is man that you are mindful of him,

and the son of man that you care for him? "

-Psalm 8: 3 & 4

________________________________________

"splash"

this past week in photos

Back in the Smokies! Thanks to Gran!

 

november 22

Knoxville, Tennessee

We are home again today, and the first time I have been hit with rest. Real rest, for my soul. I got to have breakfast with a soul friend, and the reunion was long overdue. A warm Chai over great, easy conversation. You know the friends you can pick up with at any moment, regardless of distance or time, really see them, and speak deeply into each other's lives? Ya, she is one of them. I was challenged, to set my hope on Christ regardless of how deep my walk with him seems to be, or how righteous I think I have become. In all of the mess of the past few months, as God has been deconstructing me and surfacing old wounds, and the impressions or chains they have made on my life, I have made it once again about production. Now, the thing I measure my success with is how "different" or "free" I am in response to all that God is doing. Instead of receiving from and resting in Christ alone, I have begun to do this on myself again. Wow, roots grow deep.

Allison reminded me this morning, "It was God who broke your box of glass around you, and now that you are trying to glue it back together around you, do you think it will be you that breaks it this time? Return to Him, and trust Him!" Whew. I want to trust God again to destroy the chains and all the "shelters" I run to aside from Christ. He is my refuge, right?

As the day progressed, I was feeling more and more alive. Austin and I went on a bike ride, conquering this hill near my house that I looked at in laughter before. We jokingly yelled, "Hard Work! Determination!" (all you Biggest Loser fans can join along) as we climbed. I knew it was God's rest in me that enabled me to love that moment, and that was worth way more than scaling some hill.

We came home to see my Aunt's arrival with her children, the youngest of which I have not met yet. I have been longing for this moment. She is gorgeous. And playful, sweet tempered, easy-going. What a delight it was to have her around today, and to visit with my other cousin and Aunt. 

Last night, I asked God to give me eyes to see. A storm rolls in from the North, as it always does over the hill across from my house. The weeping willow, though I cannot see her now, probably sways in the strong gale, reminding me of the one whom we planted her for. Cookies are made, freshly iced by young hands who are blind to pattern and precision. They love to paint. I wonder what else God will give me eyes to see today.

Stillness. Thanks be to God.

(Happy Birthday, Cait) 

project dia: Nov 18

I had a face-off with mysterious mouse last night. We looked each other in the eye, he ran away first. A real win would have been to catch him (preferably not with my bare hands), but I feel like I was the bigger person as he ran away in fear.

project dia: Nov 16

"speak"

I have fallen behind. I have not been still, and have allowed myself to fall once again to a non-rhthym of busyness and avoidance. Of course, I will say "I just have not had time" or " I cannot wait for a break"...but escaping is not the answer. "In quietness and trust is your strength." I need stillness & rest, but I am terrified of it. It probably means a breaking of an unhealthy cycle, of which busyness and productivity may be the hardest to break in me. Once again, I need rescue. Found in one of God's commandments- Sabbath.

living missionally

You know, I want to see the city of Denver transformed by the Gospel. To have Jesus be worshipped and served, and for the city to be different, and better, because of it. This must start with my home, my neighborhood, our campus, and so forth. Christ is making all things new. I want to sink my roots in deep, and be about the good of this city through faith in Jesus..

...for a long time. 

project dia: Nov 12

"finally"

Project Dia: Nov 8

Day 8: see

in response to:

"The reason for entering the struggle is a desire for more, a taste of what life and love could be if freed from the dark memories and deep shame...to live significantly less than what one was made to be is as severe a betrayal of the soul as the original abuse." - dan allender

project Dia: Nov 7

day 7: Hazy Up Here

project Dia: Nov 6

Day 6: Fierce with Reality 

Project Dia: Nov 5

Nov 5: Getaway

In response to:

The Rest of God by Mark Buchanan, on 'escaping' as an empty vacuum attempting to satisfy what only rest and sanctified time in God can do. 

Day 4: Series of Circles

in response to:

"A pleasure is full grown when it is remembered...when you and I met, the meeting was over very shortly, it was nothing. Now it is growing something as we remember it. But still we know very little about it. What it will be when I remember it as I lie down to die, what it makes in me all my days til then- that is the real meeting. The other is only the beginning of it. You say you have poets in your world. Do they not teach you this?" - Hyoit to Ransom, Out of the Silent Planet by C.S. Lewis

"I need a word beyond 'whoa' that is so powerful and beautiful!! And makes me think about how life is more like a series of circles rather than a line."  - a seer, Caitlyn.

Project Dia: Nov 3

Nov 3: Waves

Project Dia: Nov 2

Day 2: feast 

Project Dia: Nov 1

dia 1: holding common beauty

dawdling vs lounging

Let's be real. I cannot lounge. It's not simply that "I am not good at it" (implying an acquired skill to be excellent at this past-time), nor do I have an aversion to stillness, but I have always  rejected non-productivity. 

I do not mean that we are never meant to rest, though. Recently, I have discovered, rather scratched the surface on, the joy and necessity of sabbath- sacred time to delight in our God, holy moments. Sabbath evokes dawdling. A need to 'waste time with God'. This is not lounging. Dawdling is productive, producing growth in my heart and mind- giving rest and feeding my heart. Words that sink in from book, song, nature, mediums of color and art, all through the Spirit. Dawdling in the Holy wraps my heart with good words and life. Producing thanks, stillness, solemnity. 

It is in the times that I labor that I produce, and it is in the times that I rest that I allow God to produce in me. I dawdle, He works. Just some thoughts.

Still laughing...

This past weekend we had the joy of hosting my best friend, Becca. We much anticipated her visit, the inaugural trip for my best friend to see me in Denver. There is so much pressure leading up to a weekend visit, everyone with their own expectations and desires for packing in as much as possible into a few short days. We did have a blast. We spent good time in my neighborhood, went for a bike ride, shopped, ate swedish meatballs at ikea (you know, the typical Denver visit)...and mostly just enjoyed each others company.

It's difficult, though, being so far away from the one's you love. You never know how you are going to act when you know they will leave again. Separation is always at the end. All this to say, this season of life is a new one- which means both good & hard. I am bewildered most days at how I am supposed to be in this season, let alone do all the things I am responsible for (being a wife, starting a ministry, to name a couple). In the midst of all these things, there is one thing I know.

The photo above is from a concert we went to on Friday night, Page CXVI. They have re-written music to old hymns, inviting us into breathtaking worship. Tifah, singer & pianist, told of us of the season of life in which she re-did the song "Joy"...the night her father died from cancer, so snuck down to her piano to play melancholy keys and begun to sing. The words that spilled from her lips were these, "I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart. Down in my heart." Her story & the melody struck me. Haunted, even.

To be in different seasons of loss, separation, great and small, and to find joy. That is Christ.

I laugh deep in this picture for joy. We have found joy in Christ.

If you would like to check out Page CXVI's music, I would encourage you to.

Page CXVI

or watch Tifah & Page CXVI sing JOY here:

Our blood still runs ORANGE!

We miss UT, especially game days. Thanks CBS for streaming the game today against Florida online! In celebration of fall in the south, we made chili, ate orange cookies, and watched the game while screaming against florida. We wear orange proudly here in Denver, though no one seems to care ;)

"their life didn't begin when I walked in the picture..."

With all the people we spend time with in conversation on campus, most of them being through initiating randomly, it can be easy to believe that their thoughts of God began when I entered their life. You might think this may seem really selfish (it is) and silly to fall to. Yet, we often hear "I have never heard that before" or "wow, I grew up in church but no one has ever told me what the Bible actually says". This is both disheartening and common. It may be true that we have the opportunity to introduce students to the real Jesus for the first time, but God has not been absent from their story. 

God is still the main character in this life.

Sure, unless they know Jesus, they do not know God personally- and that is what we talk about all day long. But God has been working in their life long before we showed up. He is sovereign. He knows them better than they know themselves. And has written their story from start to....eternity. I would love to share 2 stories about 2 different stories, both with God as the author.

A sweet girl, Lina, has had a story filled with disappointment, pain, lack, beauty, art, and longing. When we met, she quickly shared with me her story. She is special. God has created a beautiful soul in Lina. Lina longs for a daddy. Though, she did not know that Jesus came to freely & graciously redeem her relationship with the Father. Last week, Lina shared with me a beautiful letter she had written from the perspective of God to her as a father. The Spirit, who has been long knocking on the door of her heart, opened her eyes to see Jesus as the One who walks her to a Dad who takes her into his arms, holds her, and will never leave. She trusted Him for everything. God is the Main Character and Author.

Another sweet girl, Ary, has had a similar story of pain, abandonment, lack, beauty, striving, hoping. We met today and talked through the Gospel. Again, she responded with "I have never heard this before, as you described it in the Bible." At the end of our discussion, she rejected Jesus verbally. It broke my heart. In reality, we are all like this- rejecting Jesus in our hearts, until He comes in and gives us a new one. I was no different than her before Jesus. Yet, was I to think that this was the first time God has stepped in to her story? No. God is yet again the Main Character and the Author. 

Whether they believe or reject, God is sovereign. He is the Author. He is good. This is difficult for me as we have hard conversations daily, but I am compelled (and delighted) to trust Him. I also have the hope that God desires all to know Him. I will step back into His story, looking to Him as the Author, and the Main Character- and trust Him for another day.

a story already written

          Tomorrow is a new beginning, at least for us. When God invited us into a life in Denver, serving latino college students in the city, it was no news to Him. He has written for this place, these students, our lives...a story long before we were even thought of. This is all beyond my understanding, of course, but I must believe that He has seen it long worth pursuing to redeem a people He calls his own, and to do so in this season of time and in this city.
          We have been studying the Pentateuch, the first five books of the bible written by Moses, at church. I have been struck by the language God uses when describing his affection & raw pursuit of His people. It was His plan, His story, all along to dwell with the people He created and loved. Of course, we wanted to be God & know the way to do life like He did, so we chose to turn from him and do our own thing. He even gave us ways to live that would be the best for us. We wouldn't have to loathe working, we wouldn't have to fear pain in relationships. Yet, we walked away, or rather gave told God His directions weren't good enough for us. Yikes. How many times have I heard that come from within me?
          The books that follow Genesis 1-3, that described above, unfold a redemptive story of God then doing the work to bring back His people. He called them His own, even yet when they abandoned Him. And he wrote a beautiful, unmistakably 'higher than our ways' plot for them to be released into freedom. THEN he gave them the law- a way to abide in Him and to live in the new found freedom. It's so amazing. I always got it backwards. The Israelites were not to keep the law to earn God's favor and thus stick around. No, God was already dwelling among them. He decided long before that this was His people- and He wanted them to live in freedom. And so, he gave them a way to live in that freedom. Thus, the law. God's story. All of life is God's story. He is reality. What a creative, great, sovereign, just, and kind God we know. And it's by His grace we know Him at all. Because He wrote the story, and God does what He wants.

Back to tomorrow. We begin on campus, along with the other 2 staff members that have joined us in trusting God for Destino here in the city. We jump headfirst into the story already written. I pray we have eyes to see God's story unfold.

I will leave us with this. John 21:25.

  'Now there are also many other things that Jesus did. Were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written.'

I hope for this in the years to come, as Latino students (and thus, the city of denver) experience and extend the gospel of Christ.


K

A new look.

We decided to change our blog. Again. Life is always changing for us, so why not our blog? We are more than happy with this one, though, so hopefully it will stick (for those who need consistency...we'll stay with this one...although the likelihood of someone actually following this & needing consistency is nil.)

We are back from the dominican republic. we loved it, and love Jesus more because of it.

We have begun to meet with our destino team in the city, and are VERY excited to connect students with a beautiful Jesus this semester. We also have very high hopes to connect more with Him.

We love the Vitamin String Quartet.

Kayla loves getting things in the mail, and her newfound desire to read books.

Austin is wearing a tank-top. And is being reintroduced to the God who deemed Him worth rescuing. (God Himself is the one who is worth it.)

We look forward to writing soon more of all that the Dominican Republic summer project surfaced & accomplished. And some things about our personal lives as well. Stay tuned.

A & K

Here is a picture of a dog, her name is Layla. She is crazy.

Shattered.

I expected exhaustion. The train of our lives has yet to stop over the last year, only adding boxcars at each station...approaching slowly enough to see the stop, and then chugs again in perpetual motion.

I was pretty much over it by the time mid-summer hit. I expected to head into our summer project to the Dominican Republic with anticipating tiredness, both clueless and friendless. Our life has been adventurous & joyful. I have never entertained the thought of hopelessness; never crossed my mind. Yet, I have been tired. The weeks before we left, I was getting sick almost every day. (No, we are not pregnant) The emotional build-up of the past, rarely stopping to be vulnerable or needy, was the catalyst for sickness. Again, I was over it. Knowing the weight of the patterns I was gathering in not allowing others in or the time to rest, I was afraid to move onto another boxcar of movement. Another thing to add to the list of things I "needed to process," and another group of people I would have to leave.

BUT GOD had a very different plan. I wish I could share all of it, but there will be a time. God has provided the space to be vulnerable. Have you ever seen TLC's "10 years younger"? Subjects on the show are put in a glass box, placed in the middle of a popular public place, and commented on without their knowledge of what is being said. They are completely on display, but not effected. I often described my life in this way. Able to let anyone see what is going on in my life, often very transparent. Yet I lacked vulnerability. What a difference. I would not allow anyone to penetrate the glass.

I know God has broken the glass. This trip to the DR has given me wings, and yet grounded me in a sort of way that only Jesus can do. With every step, I have less control, able to be more vulnerable, and feel loved deeper by the Lord. I have Jesus to thank for that. For the space to be here. For breaking the glass. For giving me opportunities to say yes to vulnerability. For a husband who is patient, kind, faithful, and pursues me. For friends here who get me. Maybe even a kindred spirit. Thanks Jesus, for shattering my reality. I am terrified, but you never pass me by.

Republica Dominicana

We are heading to the DR this coming Tuesday, joining with students from across the country to serve the people of Santo Domingo. We are humbled that God would call us to this country, with these students & staff, to reach students with the hope of Jesus.

We wanted you all to come to know and love our team as we do. We have listed prayer requests from students & staff as we think about leaving this coming week. Please join with us!

 

Thank you all for praying for our team! We look forward to updating you throughout the trip, and anticipating God's faithfulness in amazing ways!