Shattered.

I expected exhaustion. The train of our lives has yet to stop over the last year, only adding boxcars at each station...approaching slowly enough to see the stop, and then chugs again in perpetual motion.

I was pretty much over it by the time mid-summer hit. I expected to head into our summer project to the Dominican Republic with anticipating tiredness, both clueless and friendless. Our life has been adventurous & joyful. I have never entertained the thought of hopelessness; never crossed my mind. Yet, I have been tired. The weeks before we left, I was getting sick almost every day. (No, we are not pregnant) The emotional build-up of the past, rarely stopping to be vulnerable or needy, was the catalyst for sickness. Again, I was over it. Knowing the weight of the patterns I was gathering in not allowing others in or the time to rest, I was afraid to move onto another boxcar of movement. Another thing to add to the list of things I "needed to process," and another group of people I would have to leave.

BUT GOD had a very different plan. I wish I could share all of it, but there will be a time. God has provided the space to be vulnerable. Have you ever seen TLC's "10 years younger"? Subjects on the show are put in a glass box, placed in the middle of a popular public place, and commented on without their knowledge of what is being said. They are completely on display, but not effected. I often described my life in this way. Able to let anyone see what is going on in my life, often very transparent. Yet I lacked vulnerability. What a difference. I would not allow anyone to penetrate the glass.

I know God has broken the glass. This trip to the DR has given me wings, and yet grounded me in a sort of way that only Jesus can do. With every step, I have less control, able to be more vulnerable, and feel loved deeper by the Lord. I have Jesus to thank for that. For the space to be here. For breaking the glass. For giving me opportunities to say yes to vulnerability. For a husband who is patient, kind, faithful, and pursues me. For friends here who get me. Maybe even a kindred spirit. Thanks Jesus, for shattering my reality. I am terrified, but you never pass me by.