hope & negativity

I have a few things to say. But first, I would like to introduce my cousin, Bay:

Bay is my hero. He is one of 5 siblings in a family that continues to amaze me. In fact, all 7 of them are my heroes, but I want to show you Bay for one reason: his perseverance in hope. 


This morning, Austin and I came to some conflict, of which we took an hour to work through. It all started as Austin read from some notes he had been taking, and I quickly fell apart. I automatically assumed the points were negative, and felt my (usual and intense) need to control, both him and the situation. While the need to control has been an issue I have been working through with God, praying desperately for Him to break and change me, this situation was rooted in something else. That's what the hour took to find out.


After going back and forth with the usual symptoms and root sins we both own up to, I was left overwhelmed and heavy. Austin graciously loved me through it all. At once, I broke down crying. I kept thinking, and saying, "I can't be overcome with negativity anymore." It's just too much to fight. This past semester has had its fair share of disappointments, frustrations, victories, pains, celebrations- but hope hasn't been so easy. 


I love the big picture, looking up and over, to see what could be. Hope must be the cornerstone of the big picture, otherwise what are we living for? 


My positivity and hope has been met with roadblock and wall, passivity and downright negativity. I am just so tired of it. I think that was the heart of breakdown this morning, the potential for negativity again. Although I wish I were not so led by emotion, I must admit negativity has a certain power over me. It is the enemy of hope, of remembering, of celebrating. As I cried out that negativity is killing me, and I need to live, Austin (gently, of course) grabs my hand and says,


"we will hope. we will remember God's goodness and what He is doing. After everything, we will hope!"


That's when I thought of Bay. He has been through so much this year, he and his family. After concussions, broken wrists and arms, and most of all a removed brain tumor, Bay has the most incredible demeanor. He rides it out like a slow wave. Everyone is drawn to his perseverance, and mostly to his refusal of negativity. I see hope. Thanks Bay, for teaching me (and all of us) so much.  


We smile because we can, we have hope, and hope does not disappoint. He will not disappoint. 


KM