Loving Neighbor...Loving Self?

Heavy eyelids read across the lines carefully, as if never before. I turned my head left onto the cool pillow, begging for a pause in his own reading.

"Do you have to love yourself to love your neighbor?"

We've been pouring over textbooks in preparation for summer seminary classes. Late night readings after long days. Jesus intended this night to press into our hearts. 

"Yes, K. I know it seems contrary, but why else would Jesus have said it? In loving ourselves we are receiving the gospel and knowing the grace we have been shown. It's the only way we can turn and extend it to others."

Big sigh.

"Do you love yourself, Kayla?" 

Facing the white ceiling, I knew the answer. I wanted to say anything but no, mostly not to admit my own lack of understanding the fullness of the gospel. I mean, I am a minister after all. I tell students, friends, and family alike that they are worthy of love and acceptance because Jesus gives them worth. Turning back toward him, I met gentle eyes waiting patiently for an answer. 

"No, most of the time I don't love myself. I'm not sure I know how to." It felt freeing. Everyone knows I struggle with self-confidence. Well, anyone I have let close enough. How can I love my Sammy or Sheila, our neighbors, without getting past self-dissapointment? I will only be looking out for myself, and ironically, only truly caring for myself. I have many idols: comfort, control, approval. It seems holy to not like myself, even. I am reminded of Brennan Manning's thoughts on this subject when he says, "True humility is not self-loathing, but self-forgetfulness." How can I forget myself when I am so consumed by the fear that everyone else will? 

I now face the door across the room. Just behind it lays a little boy who is teaching me how much I love myself, not as God does but as my sinful heart demands. Jesus, teach me how to love myself as you see me. Teach me to love my neighbor as I love myself, your beloved. 

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As a follow up to yesterday's post, I wanted to mention how overwhelmed with support and care I received from many of your comments. I had the chance to talk to my dear friend last night, a true reminder that we are not too far away and are certainly not alone. Also, I believe (it's so hard to tell) I spotted a white speck on Malacai's lower gum ridge. 

Today has been super fun. We woke up late and went straight to work around the house and outside. We are reseeding our backyard! Here's to many future days and nights looking out at a grassy yard.

Some Saturday Fun Photos: