Rustle. Stirring. Snort. Wriggle. Babbling. Grunt. 1...2...3....4...5...Ok, he's still breathing. I can now hear everything. I thought I had ears like a dog before Malacai entered our story, but I would now describe my hearing as keen to say the least. All my senses are on overload, and my emotions...well, let's leave that out of this blog for another day. I cannot believe little Cai will be a month old tomorrow. God has been so good to us. God gave me a word the other day: Grounded. I'm nervous to even write it in public because of the potential of growth that could be coming my way.
The hardest day of being a new mom happened 2 weeks ago. An abscess was growing large on my tailbone, and Malacai had finally fallen asleep in his swing. I was in tears, knees on our hand-made wooden bench with my arms propping up my exhausted body over the table. The words of God could not seep into my eyes, mind, heart, fast enough. "they have forsaken me, the fountain of Living Water..." I have been doing once again the very thing Jeremiah warned us against. I had built my cistern, full of cracks and holes, to catch lifeless water from (the appearance of) being "supermom". I want control, and what I mean is...I want to control my life. I want to run the show, and I want people to know that I know what I'm doing (ok moms, laugh with me now). I think the whole point so far of being a mother is learning just that: you are not in control, your life is not your own. I have to confess, at 2 weeks old I was concerned about getting my son on a schedule so other moms wouldn't be disappointed in me. We finally got to the root of our "should we give him a pacifier?" issue when we realized we both wanted to prove we could be good parents without it. Ugly sin showing it's face.
In tears bent over the Word of God once again, I wondered how I would look to the Living Water instead of my own ways. I wondered how I could learn to be a Godly parent when it seems so inexplicable. God then spoke through Jesus to my heart when he said, "To find your life, you must lose it. To lose your life you will find it." Oh, this is where life is found. In my loss of self, I find my greatest joy and abundant life - in Jesus alone. Becoming a mommy sure does that for you.
My daily desperation finds its peace when I am in tears, huddled over my son speaking words of life like "His power is made perfect in our weakness...therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses..." and "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, my steadfast love will never leave you, nor my covenant of peace forsake you" DEEP BREATH. Words of life over me and my son as we play alone all day, usually left only with my thoughts and a sweet face staring back at me.
I am so thankful our story has a good Author, and I can trust Him with each day. My joy is found Him. My abscess eventually got taken care of (praise Jesus!), we are getting much more sleep these days, my mom came in town and blessed us deeply with encouragement and companionship, and most days I begin and end with laughter. God has written such a good story.
Eventually, Malacai woke up from his sleep and pulled me away from hovering over the Word. I picked him up and walked over to the window where I saw our neighbors tree. I asked God for a word for me. I initially thought "rooted" would be a good word, but that is not the one God had in mind. I'm not ready to be rooted. I need solid ground, good soil. Grounded. I can only imagine what Yahweh has in store this year.
themelioĊ "to lay the foundation, to found. To make stable, establish.
